meatbag
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"Sasquatch Shorts" And The Beach Corner Milk Run. A True Late Night Story
"Why don't you milk your own cow. I milked goats, not the male ones though". Plus you see large hairy Caravan driving guys wearing shorts in the winter. All in one 7.33 minute visit to the illustrious and well illuminated dwellings of the Beach Corner Esso store.
I needed milk and it was late. I hate that. Ever have cereal without milk? Tea or coffee without it isn't even worth it in my eyes. I get bitterly grumpy and mutter things under my breath at inanimate objects. I Give the cat the evil eye too. So now, do I drive to the town and get it cheaper or just cave in and spend more dollars at Beach Corner? I caved.
I walk into the Beach store, no one around(could've sworn I saw a tumbleweed blow across the aisle near the back). I looked left, then right. All clear of Swamp people and Hobo's. Next I took command of the far aisle.
I sauntered on over to the milk section. Casually opened the door and grabbed my milk booty. All in one smooth movement I closed the door, turned and started walking to the cash counter. Wham! I hit a wall! A human wall. I plowed into a HUGE Sasquatch hairy mammoth-like of a teenager wearing shorts. Shorts?!?!? It's winter Damn It! Where the hell WAS this guy when I came in I wondered as I pushed myself away? How could I miss him? Anyways, I muttered some just made up gibberish profanity half-words to myself, shielded my 4L of milk(as if he were trying to grab it from me) and walked past "Sasquatch Shorts" to the counter.
I pulled out my extremely thick and high Kwality wallet with a whole $10.00 in it and handed over the cash. I said "I guess it's cheaper to buy here than drive to town" trying to make small talk to the lady. She said "why don't you buy a cow"? A cow? Hah! She thinks she's funny! I then said "I like cows but it would probably get cold and hungry standing in the snowbank looking in my window watching me eat in comfort". She replied sarcastically "No, no...you could milk it and not have to whine about buying it to me"! She wryly smiled. Amazingly, I noticed she had ALL her teeth. Very unusual.
I said "if I get a cow, then maybe you could come over and milk it for me because I sure wouldn't, then you could just give me the milk and have the warm feeling of my eternal gratitude and the memory of my smile. Later we could carve it into steaks too"! I snickered to myself. She gave me the "wry retailer's eye" and then said "I used to have goats and I milked them". I (suddenly) beamed back a look, and with all gears turning for the first time for all of today, I said "male or female heh, heh..." Both her eyes went all squinty(snake eyed) at me..."FEMALE" she said abruptly! She went on "I used to have A(singular) female goat I milked. I had sheep too". I then cleverly asked "did you milk the sheep too"? All went silent.
Time passed. It was quiet enough you could hear the furnace fan squeakily turning, the cheesy music softly playing in the background, the hum of all the mystery meat cookers cooking, and I swear that mysterious tumbleweed rolled down another aisle off to my left. Directly behind me, Hovering and lurking, the "Sasquatch in Shorts" was breathing heavily. Wheezing with deep raspy breaths. In and out, in and out...just staring randomly with those big brown Sasquatchy glossy eyes holding an armfull of snacks.
It was a face off with the squat sarcastic counter lady. A face off of epic proportions. Tensions were high. Sweat started beading on my forehead. If our eyes had laser's we'd be carving and burning holes right through each others skulls like some sick sci fi movie! A Beach Corner Bloodbath Battle of wits without a doubt! It lasted only 49 seconds but felt like a minute...
The "Sasquatch shorts" kid then coughed which, luckily for all involved, broke the tension. It was over. The guns were put back into their holsters and we each took a step back. She un-squinted her eyes, looked squarely at me "understandably", realizing I was just a passive mocker(my own term), then chuckled and said "have a good one"!
"Sasquatch Shorts" got rung through and had a big bag for his snacks, hopped in a car full of other Sasquatch like beings and tore out of the lot like only an 84 rusty Dodge Caravan with 2 low tires and burning oil can do.
Me? I happily left with my white gold back to my softly lit snack filled, sorta well vacuumed fortress of solitude to ponder the mysteries of the cosmos.
"Why don't you milk your own cow. I milked goats, not the male ones though". Plus you see large hairy Caravan driving guys wearing shorts in the winter. All in one 7.33 minute visit to the illustrious and well illuminated dwellings of the Beach Corner Esso store.
I needed milk and it was late. I hate that. Ever have cereal without milk? Tea or coffee without it isn't even worth it in my eyes. I get bitterly grumpy and mutter things under my breath at inanimate objects. I Give the cat the evil eye too. So now, do I drive to the town and get it cheaper or just cave in and spend more dollars at Beach Corner? I caved.
I walk into the Beach store, no one around(could've sworn I saw a tumbleweed blow across the aisle near the back). I looked left, then right. All clear of Swamp people and Hobo's. Next I took command of the far aisle.
I sauntered on over to the milk section. Casually opened the door and grabbed my milk booty. All in one smooth movement I closed the door, turned and started walking to the cash counter. Wham! I hit a wall! A human wall. I plowed into a HUGE Sasquatch hairy mammoth-like of a teenager wearing shorts. Shorts?!?!? It's winter Damn It! Where the hell WAS this guy when I came in I wondered as I pushed myself away? How could I miss him? Anyways, I muttered some just made up gibberish profanity half-words to myself, shielded my 4L of milk(as if he were trying to grab it from me) and walked past "Sasquatch Shorts" to the counter.
I pulled out my extremely thick and high Kwality wallet with a whole $10.00 in it and handed over the cash. I said "I guess it's cheaper to buy here than drive to town" trying to make small talk to the lady. She said "why don't you buy a cow"? A cow? Hah! She thinks she's funny! I then said "I like cows but it would probably get cold and hungry standing in the snowbank looking in my window watching me eat in comfort". She replied sarcastically "No, no...you could milk it and not have to whine about buying it to me"! She wryly smiled. Amazingly, I noticed she had ALL her teeth. Very unusual.
I said "if I get a cow, then maybe you could come over and milk it for me because I sure wouldn't, then you could just give me the milk and have the warm feeling of my eternal gratitude and the memory of my smile. Later we could carve it into steaks too"! I snickered to myself. She gave me the "wry retailer's eye" and then said "I used to have goats and I milked them". I (suddenly) beamed back a look, and with all gears turning for the first time for all of today, I said "male or female heh, heh..." Both her eyes went all squinty(snake eyed) at me..."FEMALE" she said abruptly! She went on "I used to have A(singular) female goat I milked. I had sheep too". I then cleverly asked "did you milk the sheep too"? All went silent.
Time passed. It was quiet enough you could hear the furnace fan squeakily turning, the cheesy music softly playing in the background, the hum of all the mystery meat cookers cooking, and I swear that mysterious tumbleweed rolled down another aisle off to my left. Directly behind me, Hovering and lurking, the "Sasquatch in Shorts" was breathing heavily. Wheezing with deep raspy breaths. In and out, in and out...just staring randomly with those big brown Sasquatchy glossy eyes holding an armfull of snacks.
It was a face off with the squat sarcastic counter lady. A face off of epic proportions. Tensions were high. Sweat started beading on my forehead. If our eyes had laser's we'd be carving and burning holes right through each others skulls like some sick sci fi movie! A Beach Corner Bloodbath Battle of wits without a doubt! It lasted only 49 seconds but felt like a minute...
The "Sasquatch shorts" kid then coughed which, luckily for all involved, broke the tension. It was over. The guns were put back into their holsters and we each took a step back. She un-squinted her eyes, looked squarely at me "understandably", realizing I was just a passive mocker(my own term), then chuckled and said "have a good one"!
"Sasquatch Shorts" got rung through and had a big bag for his snacks, hopped in a car full of other Sasquatch like beings and tore out of the lot like only an 84 rusty Dodge Caravan with 2 low tires and burning oil can do.
Me? I happily left with my white gold back to my softly lit snack filled, sorta well vacuumed fortress of solitude to ponder the mysteries of the cosmos.
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