Required: Sense of humor

[albertagal500]

The Moral of the Story...

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Brandon raised his hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Brandon."

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the heck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking!"

 

[albertagal500]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...

(If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense
of humor.)

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another nine times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
totally smashed... )

Three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told
him 'MIDNIGHT.'
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
totally smashed... )

He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, 'oh, ch!t.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

[albertagal500]

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed
and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you had best put
your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things do not go so well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer.
Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached
by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two
were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
"I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the
woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS."


The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

Now that's putting Your Affairs In Order

 

[Summitric]

OMG... THAT CUCKOO CLOCK IS GOOD.... BAHAHAHA. MY WIFE'S BEEN THERE.... HAHAHAHA

 

[albertagal500]

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008.

*New Rule:* No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

*New Rule:* Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com <http://classmates.com/>! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

*New Rule:* Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

*New Rule:* Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

*New Rule:* Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrowso you have two of them? Good, we're done.

*New Rule:* There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt, that's your flavored water.

*New Rule:* Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a designed pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

*New Rule:* I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

*New Rule:* Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

*New Rule: *Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

*New Rule :* I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

*New Rule:*If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that /the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.


*New Rule:* When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

*New Rule:* If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?

 

[GRD]

Oilers have a chance to win the cup!

[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQ19AB0TO3I&eurl=http://widget-1e.slide.com/widgets/sf.swf[/YOUTUBE]

 

[bigdog67]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas with his dummy on his knee. He starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

 

[albertagal500]

bigdog was that aimed at me, you know with me being blonde and all. lol

 

[bigdog67]

Nope,not aimed at you at all AltaGal...Just good fun...lol

 

[bigdog67]

What was that AlbertaGal,shut up you were talking to the little guy on my lap.

 

[albertagal500]

your the one that said little not me

 

[albertagal500]

GRANDMA IN COURT (This is great!!!)]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney almost died The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'

 

[albertagal500]

** **A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot
had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and
tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said to
John, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. Just as he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[albertagal500]

Cursing at Work
Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

 

[Scotford]

I don't care who you are that's some funny S___T right there I tell Ya...

Keep em coming girl....... Ohh did ya find somebody to COWBOY UP yet... or are they all just still BLEED'NG

Just Funning......

 

[albertagal500]

My son, the Veterinarian

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a
small church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next
week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a
little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached
her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of
it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady
said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a
living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.



"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and
one in Reno.

 

[roland]

hi alberta gal
i think this was sent to me by mistake
roland

dear alberta gal,

while we thank you for you as a valued customer and use of the Walmart Card, the manager in shewood park is considering banning you and you family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. june 15; took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. july 2. set all alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. july 7. made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. july 19. walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares....and watched what happened.

5. july 14. moved a "caution wet floor sign" to carpeted area.

6. sept 15. set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a camp stove.

7. sept 23. when the manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "why can't you people just leave me alone?

8. oct 14. looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, picked his nose and ate it.

9. nov 10. while appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the housewares aisle asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepresants were.

10. dec 3. darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. dec 6. in the kitcheware aisle, practised the Madonna look using different size funnels.

12. dec 18. hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed yelled "PICK ME!"

13. dec 21. when the announcment came over the loud speaker, assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO NO" its those voices again.

And last but not least:

14. dec 23. went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, There is no toilet paper in here"

Yours Sincerely,

Charlie Brown
Store Manager.

All the best for 2008

 

[TABSTER]

That is friggen Hilarious!!!!
To funny... That totally made my day
Thanks guys and gals.....

 

[albertagal500]

Canadian Poem


It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada

'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!!

 

[Nytro-Ryder]

haha thats some funny stuff guys and gals!